


We will never be nothing

by nevermindthen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Awkward Boners, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Kissing, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Body Worship, Bottom Hinata Shouyou, Cheating, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Hardcore, Homophobia, Kissing, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Misunderstandings, Obsession, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Kageyama Tobio, Romance, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Sick Hinata Shouyou, Size Kink, Slow Build, Slow Romance, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Top Kageyama Tobio, Trust Issues, Violence, Yaoi, haven't wrote the smut yet so i don't know what to tag, seme Kageyama, uke Hinata
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 16:41:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6384310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevermindthen/pseuds/nevermindthen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>IM EDITING THIS SHIT CUS I DONT LIKE IT SO WHEN ITS DONE YOU WILL ALSO GET A NEW CHAPTER, DO NOT FRET MY CHILDREN IT WILL BE DONE SOON, DON'T HATE ME </p><p> </p><p>Now let’s get one thing straight.</p><p>I, Hinata Shouyou am not an idiot, I swear to god, I am not. Although the situation I am in right now, may lead people to think I’m an idiot, but be assured I’m actually quite smart. Honestly I have always looked down on people who did this to themselves, I have always thought that they were stupid and couldn’t just wait it out. And some, some people are stupid, attention seeking fools who can’t see what there actually doing, there too blinded by what lead them here and don’t think about the consequences. But-me no, I have vigorously gone over each and every possible out-come of what I’m about to do and have Thorley exploited all my options.<br/>Today I will.....<br/>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	We will never be nothing

Now let’s get one thing straight.

 

I, Hinata Shouyou am not an idiot, I swear to god, I am not. Although the situation I am in right now, may lead people to think I’m an idiot, but be assured I’m actually quite smart. Honestly I have always looked down on people who did this to themselves, I have always thought that they were stupid and couldn’t just wait it out. And some, some people are stupid, attention seeking fools who can’t see what there actually doing, there too blinded by what lead them here and don’t think about the consequences. But-me no, I have vigorously gone over each and every possible out-come of what I’m about to do and have Thorley exploited all my options.

Today I will die. Today I will fall very none gracefully from this bridge and land ever so none gracefully on the broken rusted train track below. 

The sun is just about to set and there’s a very slight warm breeze trembling the flush trees that obscure the abandoned bridge and rail track from any possible onlookers. The sky turning a warm shade of red as the sun kisses my pale ass for what will be the last time. I stop for a minute, I stop thinking and I stop hurting, I just stop, close my eyes and I give myself over to my senses. I feel the tepid draft scatter my scarlet locks across my forehead and then pushing gently at my back subtly telling me to go, and get it over and done with. I hear birds sending shrill cries to one another from above and from the trees surrounding me. I can hear the leaves whisper wordlessly among themselves the branches smacking each other every so often, making their input known. I can smell the overpowering stench of rotting, damp wood and moss that is littered along the rails of the desolate bridge that leads to nowhere.

The back of my legs are leaning against the front of the metal rail, my hands, now sweaty with anticipation, cling to the bars behind me as I lean forward ever so slightly , tipping my head down to look at the concrete that I will soon make acquaintance with. These scrawny strips of oxidized metal, that I still continue to grasp behind my back, are the only thing keeping me alive right now. And I have never felt more in control or more free than I do now.

Of course I fear death, I mean any sane person does. We are all met with the frightful image of being locked in a dark box for the rest of eternity. Those of us who are lucky enough to be able to delude themselves into thinking that there is something after death, that there is some omnipotent being watching over us deciding whether or not that we will go to heaven or hell, those are the real winners, they can peacefully die with the knowledge that this isn’t the end for them. But the rest of us who know ultimately that when we die, we die. It couldn’t be any scarier. Now…I’m not saying that… they don’t fear death, because I’m sure they do, but at least they have a small sliver of hope and believe that everything they have done in their life will actually amount to something. That their sad, pitiful life will actually mean something. Honestly, I envy those people. Optimistic fools.

I have often thought about joining a religion as back-up, you know, like an insurance, that if there is a heaven and a hell, I’ll be sent to either one of them, and not spend the rest of my timelessness living in a constant state or purgatory ,neither anywhere yet always somewhere ,never truly existing, but never not . Because when you think of it, if when we die we can’t exactly go into nothingness, because to be able to go into It, it has to exist in the first place right? There can never truly be nothing, you can never just think of nothing because even when you do you are thinking of that nothing and that is still thinking of something. We can’t even think of nothing as a blank black abyss, because that black is still something, that black is somewhere, we can never ever reach a complete state of nihility. And I think what scares me the most is that I will never truly be at peace. I will always be locked in the confines of this world and will never be nothing. Me thinking like this is the reason behind me never joining a religion, because if this God, figure we speak of really is omniscient , he will know that I don’t truly believe and that I’m just playing him for my own self fortune. And I’d rather not piss someone that powerful of, to be honest.

But any way enough stalling. No point in thinking about it all now. With an exhausted sigh I open up my eyes and spread my arms out wide, like the ravishing silken wings of a bird about to set off and venture into the unknown, like me. 

And with that I let go, I let go of my worries and concerns. I let go of my dreams and ambitions and finally I let go of the rail.

But I don’t fall. 

Why am I not falling?

For fuck’s sake, why won’t anyone just let me die, for crying out loud? Unless I’m already dead! Holy fuck. Am I dead? I was expecting it to be a bit more painful. My eyes must have unconsciously shut themselves because I find I can open th-

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!”

I wasn’t dead, I was still hanging of the edge of the bridge, my feet firmly planted in the stale dank wood. The expanse of land bellow me seemed terrifyingly close.

“D-dumb-ass I can’t hold you up any longer, lean back!!”Came a gruff voice, deep and consuming, although carrying a slight hint of anger and small pant of desperation.  
It was only then, that I was aware of the slight pressure on my back, someone was holding me by my jacket. My eyes widened in fear, I picked this place for a reason. No one ever came by here so there was no chance of ever having any one stop me. It became alarmingly clear that there was a chance I wasn’t going to die today. And I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t go back.

“NO, LET ME GO. PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE!” i was shaking now, hard tremors were racking up and down my slight lithe frame. I came this far and was so close to escaping - I wasn’t going to back down now. I had made up my mind and I was ready to die, I was ready for this to be over.

“YOU THINK I’M JUST GOING TO LET YOU FUCKING FALL, IDIOT, LEAN BACK!!” his voice now at full volume bellowing, surrounding the empty plain. “LISTEN JUST GIVE MY YOUR HAND. PLEASE” on that last word his voice broke, and I felt an immediate amount of sympathy for the person behind me. He didn’t deserve this, to have the guilt of another person’s life on their hands. But I couldn’t live. So this man was just going to have to suffer, because I no longer could. I grabbed behind me trying to detach the man’s hands from my jacket tugging frantically at the slender fingers fisting fiercely into the fabric.

“JUST LET ME GO,LET ME GO, PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU, LET ME GO” my voice was hoarse, cracking and felt raw against the back of my throat. I need to get his hands off of me, I need to die. In my deranged state I was unable to notice that I had given him exactly what he wanted. A pleasingly warm hand grabbed mine and yanked me back with an irresistible force. My back slammed hard against the railings, earning the breath to be knocked from my lungs, a long arm wrapped its self around my body throwing me backwards and over the other side of the rail.

“ahhh - fuck”, said the man as my body collided with his and we toppled to the ground, my back on his chest. He grunted when his head made impact with the floor .We lay there for a moment, panting heavily, trying to take in oxygen. His arms were wrapped protectively around my body. Our legs tangled, his quick breathes stirring the hair near my ear.  
I could feel a heartbeat, but I was unable to decipher if it was mine or his. I haven’t made physical contact like this with someone in who knows how long, I can’t remember what it felt like to have the warmth of another person so close by. I wanted to disappear in his embrace, to be swallowed whole and not have to come out of the sheltering appendages.  
He cleared his throat and I tensed knowing what was coming, he was going to take me to a mental hospital or bring me into the police telling them what had just happened. I was fucked.

“M-my name is Kageyama T-tobio , its n-nice to meet you”

what.?

Was this guy for real? With a shocked and critical look on my face I turned my face and body too look up at the man accusingly.

“Are you for r-HOLY DAMN” 

This had got to be one of the most attractive creatures I have ever seen walk this planet. Hair black as ink slightly muffled from the fall splattered out over his forehead, eyes a deep intense blue, eyebrows furrowed into what looks like a permanent scowl. Cheekbones and jawline hard and prominent sculpting his beautiful face, soft pink lips drew into a hard line has he stared down at me concerned and confused.

I couldn’t do anything but stare at the glorious man that lay beneath me. My mouth slightly open and my eyes were locked onto his face, drinking in his every feature. Looking closely I realized he wasn’t a man, he wasn’t a little boy, not by any means, but he looked to be around 17-18…years old I bet he could even pass as 19.  
“ya know a picture would last longer”, he huffed, a slight pink tinge brushed his hard cheek bones, he turned his head and puffed out a small breath, eyes narrowing. Humph… cute.

“Shouyou” I muttered, still in a bewildered state, becoming wordless at the boys beauty.

“What? Don’t mutter, I can’t hear you dumb-ass”

“M-my name H-Hinata Shouyou”

“Oh”

We lay there then in silence, staring mutely at each other. Several times he opened his mouth intending to say something, but quickly thinking against it. I was scared to think of what he was going to ask, of what he was going to think. Right now, I know I should be feeling…. Well I don’t know, how are you supposed to feel after you had just tried to kill yourself and a Greek god of a boy came and stopped you? All I could feel was embarrassment and shame. I had completely humiliated myself in front of this breath-taking boy.  
It was only then that I remembered the entirety of what had just happened, he had stopped me. I was still alive because of this man.

“You bastard” I shot up fast, legs now straddling his torso and hands tightened into small fists, hard so pale white skin turned whiter, pushed down forcefully onto his chest. My face contorted into a mask of anger, which was very uncommon for me, and the way my eyes narrowed and eyebrows drew together felt foreign and uncomfortable.  
He looked startled and bewildered at my sudden outburst, clearly not understanding where I was coming from.

“What?”

“Feel better now do you? Done you good deed of the day ha-“

Oh god I’m going to be sick.

Pushing against him I rolled of onto my hands and knees scraping them in the process and proceeded to dry heave on the floor. My body convulsing heavily with every heave. Must be the aftershock.

Kageyama started to rub soothing circles onto my back pushing my bangs from my sweat downed forehead as i knelt there continuing to throw up nothing, no surprise there though I haven’t had anything to eat in 3 days.

“Shhh it’s alright” he cooed increasing the strength of his hand, almost a massage now. “Just breathe in an out in and out.” He continued on like this until my breathing matched the flow of his words and I was no longer trying to bring up my stomach.

I was still shaking laboriously and a steady flow of tears now cascaded down my face. My arms and legs gave in unable to any longer hold up my burden of a body. I was expecting to get a face full of wood but I was instead met with the rough denim of the boy’s legs, his hand cradling my head carefully so I wouldn’t brake my nose with the impact. My knees came up to my chest and my arms hung limp out in front of me.

Elongated fingers ran idly through my disheveled locks and another hand was gently running itself-up and down my arm. I was tired now, I was drained both mentally and physically all I wanted to do was fall into a deep sleep where I wasn’t able to feel or be hurt. Tears still continued to stain my face and my body was still violently shaking but the warmth of Kageyama’s hand and the tender fingers gazing across my scalp were enough to lull me into a deep dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> hi so, please tell me what you think because im not sure if i should carry on with this, it depends really on the reaction i get so yeah. And if i do carry on with this there will be lots and lots of smut and fluff although with the smut i will make it so that if you don't like that kind of thing you will be able to skip over it. My spelling and grammar are absolutely terrible and although i have had quite a few people beta read it, with me i can almost guarantee that there are still mistakes so yeah feel free to tell me if i have messed up or something doesn't make sense.


End file.
